Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
