My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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