"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
i need some magic done to my vagina
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
