Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
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