her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
