Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
