drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
