Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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