The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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