I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
