In the future we'll all be gay
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
