I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
