So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
