Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
