Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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