I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
