Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
