Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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