He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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