Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
