peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Lo siento on account of my penis...
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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