I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I need to stop coming to work sober
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
