y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
