i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
