I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
