First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
