don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
