i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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