He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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