I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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