We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
