...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
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