I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
