I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
