Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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