Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
