She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
