those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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