I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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