even my farts smell like vagina
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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