I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
