I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
