I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
