just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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