don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
