I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
