There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
