Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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