I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
