Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
