Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
